For the daddy’s girl
Are you really so blind and deaf to how frightfully silent
our best and brightest girls are?
Agnė Žagrakalytė
I
when I began to write Stories
I wanted to write about you as well
I knew you were a good person
I’d preserved so much of your beauty,
it seems
but no matter how often I tried
the only thing I could bring to mind was
tobacco stained fingers
I’d see nails:
horny
talons
nothing more
then suddenly everything would collapse
it was like this for thirty years,
I carried it for thirty long years
how it tore at me,
how it tore
it still tears
II
I remember, you died
I remember, you asked me too,
not that we were close,
to come and say goodbye
I no longer
dreamt of you
but I was proud,
to see you dying
III
everything appeared normal,
normal familial relations,
normal home,
normal words at normal occasions
so why, why did it hurt so much,
when you passed by,
why did my dog go crazy
at the sight of you,
why did I only want to eat just like you,
to sit on your lap,
why was I always squirming there,
what was so beautiful to me about your darkness
IV
it’s frightening she remembers this much,
that
memory of mine
it’s not up to me
pants, jacket, jumper
densley patched sleeves,
scents
the shine of worn knees
hair,
a narrow face, a moustache,
teeth
like teeth —
or no — like talons,
and predatory hands,
always ready to grab
just now, just now now, just nownownow
don’t be afraid,
baby-doll,
here’s a sweetie
V
browned lace,
a little table,
a little bottle,
ashes,
a bite to eat,
a chair,
a jacket
I scream in the night
waking,
bed wet,
forehead too,
terror and
cold
and she just comes and tells me to go back to sleep,
never asks what’s wrong
would I have even known
would I have been able to tell her
what it was,
if only now, after thirty years, the stench flows out
like herring
and more and more often, for no reason,
I’m overcome with vomiting
VI
for many years I shouted at many men:
I hate your dicks,
I hate your smell,
I hate your taste, I hate you
I shouted quietly, in my mind,
swallowing them, one after the other,
for many years,
I don’t remember their faces, thier names
only how I hurt, oh god
how I hurt
everytime I agreed
to lower my head to their trouser zippers,
when I smelled them,
when I felt their palms on the back of my head
I suffered patiently —
VII
I remember the room,
the scream
I remember trembling
the whole world broken into shards
my little bed wet
my little dress wet
my little head wet
oh god oh god oh god
why does my protector
hurt me so
don’t cry baby-girl,
here’s a sweetie for you
VIII
after many years —
the same face,
whiskers,
hair,
the same blood —
clutching me in my own yard,
a minor
I’m afraid and I’m proud,
everything is familiar
he promises to come, to pick me up from school,
he whispers,
tries to touch my breasts,
like an idiot I laugh,
I don’t run,
I’m quiet,
everything is familiar,
here, take it baby-girl,
a sweetie
for years afterwards I tremble every day
when I leave school
look around —
where is he, is he here?
afraid he’ll come
afraid he won’t
IX
I’m angry,
I thrash like an injured anaconda,
I swallow my tail,
I swallow myself whole,
I don’t understand
why must I drink like this,
why must I dance drunk on tables like this,
why do I run from those who love me,
to those who degrade me,
to those who can’t even bear themselves,
why are there pencils, cigars, men between my lips
why does my throat swallow seed and spit blood,
why do my breasts attract them
and where do these skirts on my thighs come from,
why do they rise, why
this isn’t me
all that remains is that cursed
day when I was born,
so broken,
so incomprehensibly hurt,
defiling myself this way
oh god
and they don’t understand
X
when you died
somehow you were able to look me in the eyes
like a beaten dog
your taloned fingers moved
against your sickbed
your lips trying to push out words,
I couldn’t understand a thing
there was a strange, expansive, unexpected feeling
like freedom,
like pleasure
without sorrow
you died
I was already long-dead to myself
XI
I birthed three children
loved thirty men
or maybe more
was engaged three times
finished my studies, diplomas for my parents,
my work — for the people
I rebelled, punked, adapted,
was silent, moaned, from time to time I waded into the river to drown
I cried, because I was unlovable,
unlovable, because I wasn’t, I cried because I was
I couldn’t get it together,
could never see my face and recognize it,
I couldn’t feel my body: my hands, legs, breasts,
do what you want with me, I’m a doll,
I don’t have a self, it’s like god forgot me,
a doll
here, baby-girl, a sweetie
don’t cry, baby-doll
my name like a caress
when you say it
my man
already resting in peace
XII
a small mouth, acid-burnt,
that’s not the sky, that’s not the taste of the sky,
not a sweetie,
that’s not holy manna dripping from your face,
those are not loving hands pushing your head down
why is it so wet,
why does it smell so strange
why does he do this
don’t tell me this is how adults love?
XIII
I hurt
XIV
let it be a cursed memory, now that the door is ajar,
and let it be a blessing that I carried it for those thirty years
not knowing what it was
because I would not have lifted it
oh god, that this, this is why I am as I am,
damaged goods
XV
and he’s fucking off,
and he’s gone to god,
or to the devil,
and he’s going completely broken
and I don’t know
if I will truly be able to forgive
or if I’ll vomit
vomit
vomit both him and myself
until I also die
I’ll divorce
Translated by Medeine Tribunevicius
Audio Version in Lithuanian